


Placing the Blame

by writingfromdarkplaces



Series: Desertion Alternate Universe [2]
Category: Battlestar Galactica (2003)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Episode Related, F/M, Flashbacks, Friendship, Gen, Implied/Referenced Torture, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Pre-Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-14
Updated: 2016-08-14
Packaged: 2018-08-08 16:12:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,157
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7764457
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writingfromdarkplaces/pseuds/writingfromdarkplaces
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Gardner's micromanaging of his crew threatens to create a mutiny that could restore Cain to command, Kendra Shaw makes a surprising suggestion to Adama that changes everything. Meanwhile, revelations test the friendship between Lee and Kara. A follow up/sequel to "Lost in the Dark."</p><p>Or "The Captain's Hand" retold in this universe.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Placing the Blame

**Author's Note:**

> So there are parts of "The Captain's Hand" that I love. There are parts that I hate. I found in rewatching it that I wanted to do something with it, and finally that joined with wanting to explore the world I created in "Lost in the Dark" again and became this. It was fun to do the Kendra/Lee friendship and then I had said before that there were other details that I'd left out of the other story and I was able to address them here. I'm not sure it really slants as much toward Lee/Kara as most of my fics do, but I really wanted the one revelation, and that was why this got written.

* * *

_“Tell me where my son is,” Bill said, slamming the man into the wall, and behind him the bar went silent. Lee had been here on his first night off Atlantia, and when the civilians didn't find any sign of Lee at the cemetery, he'd come back to the only place he could._

_“Sir,” Kara said behind him, putting a hand on his arm. “He's not here. Lee's not here.”_

_Her voice almost didn't penetrate the haze. Someone had to know where Lee was, and they were going to tell him. He was going to make them talk, even if he had to interrogate every last one of them. They had to know something. Anything._

_“Lee went to the liquor store that morning, remember? They probably know more,” she suggested, tugging on his arm. “Come on, sir. We're not giving up. We're just... looking somewhere else. That's all.”_

“Admiral Adama?”

He looked up, surprised by his visitor. He didn't get many from _Pegasus,_ and in general, their opinion seemed to be that he had no right to mess with any of their command or their crew, even after Cain was removed and Fisk was revealed to be involved with the black market.

“Captain Shaw. To what do I owe the pleasure?”

“It's Ensign,” she corrected, and he frowned. “Commander Fisk did not feel I merited my rank. Commander Gardner agreed.”

Bill frowned. He knew she'd been involved in what happened on the _Scylla,_ but even so, he found it hard to reconcile that with what she'd done for his son. “Ensign, then. What can I help you with?”

“Sir, with respect, if Gardner remains in command of the _Pegasus,_ the crew will mutiny again and someone will free Cain from her cell on the _Astral Queen_ to resume command. When she does—”

“Is that a threat?”

Shaw shook her head. “No, sir. I am not a fool, and if I were to try and get Cain back in command myself, I would be. She does not take betrayal lightly, and that is what I did. I betrayed her by backing Captain Adama's mutiny, by taking her from command. If she returns, I am dead. I accept that. What I do not accept is that that a good ship will be lost because of one man's stupidity and bias. No, that _a fleet_ will be lost. If Gardner is not restrained, Cain will regain control—I've already heard talk of breaking her out—and _Galactica_ and all the civilian ships will be destroyed.”

“You seem certain of that.”

“I know Cain, sir.”

Adama digested that. “Gardner is the highest ranking officer on _Pegasus._ The other option is one I don't think anyone would respond better to—”

“With respect, Colonel Tigh is the last person you want in charge of _Pegasus,”_ Shaw said. She swallowed. “Sir, I believe your only option is to transfer your son back to _Pegasus_ and make him the XO. He may be able to contain the situation.”

Adama stared at her. “You want me to give this to Lee? He's unproved, untested. He hasn't even taken a turn as CAG, and from what I've seen—”

“I'm aware of his PTSD, Admiral, but it didn't stop him before, and I don't believe it will now. Gardner won't listen to me, the crew won't, but your son is still the figurehead he made himself when he put himself between Cain and the fleet. He's your best option. No—he is your _only_ option.”

“You sound sure of yourself.”

“I am. I know this has to be done.”

“I'll take it under consideration, Captain.”

“Ensign.”

Bill gave her a tight smile but did not correct himself. “Dismissed.”

* * *

“What the frak is this?” Lee asked, staring down at the pips in his hand. “I don't—”

“You're out of uniform,” his father said, coming around to pin the new rank insignia to his collar. “Major.”

Lee frowned. “I still don't understand. I'm not even a squad leader now, not since I got transferred. And I barely had much of a chance to do that when I was there. I spent more time in the brig than I did in the air. I have no experience—I barely made captain, then I was... gone for a year, and they all assumed I deserted. I don't deserve this.”

“Maybe you haven't earned it by time served,” his father agreed, “but in other ways, you've exceeded it.”

“I don't—”

“Shaw says we're on the verge of losing _Pegasus_ again. She believes you're the key to stopping that. I happen to believe she's right.”

Lee swallowed, feeling sick. “Command? I'm not cut out for this. I have—”

“You've already withstood the worst of what the enemy can do to you,” his father said. “You're on the other side of that, and you're alive. That makes you more qualified than almost everyone in the fleet. You've been at the breaking point and survived. That's the kind of fire we all fear going through but every officer needs, and you've done it.”

“Stop praising me,” Lee said. “I think I hate you for this.”

His father laughed, pulling him into a hug. “Go make me proud again, son.”

* * *

“Major Adama, sir.”

“I hear I have you to blame for this, Shaw.”

She shrugged. “I hate you, too, so I suppose we're even.”

He shook his head, and she laughed before allowing herself a small weakness. Coming around the counter, she hugged him. It wasn't anything they'd ever done before, and she didn't plan on doing it again, but she'd been afraid his father wouldn't listen to her, and she needed this to work. The fleet needed it.

“Gardner's a micromanaging prat who thinks he can control everything,” she said when she stepped back. “He will try to do the same to you.”

Adama snorted. “He can try. Cain did. Worked out real well for her, didn't it?”

Shaw smiled. “Yes, it did.”

He looked her over. “How have you been? I haven't seen you since Roslin's meeting to get us all on the same page, and that was when Fisk was still alive.”

“How was that investigation, anyway?”

“You mean aside from everyone assuring me that I wouldn't have to pay them for sex?” Adama asked, shaking his head. “Oh, fine, I suppose. The fallout from using a prostitute as a source seems neverending, but my father can excuse part of this farce in promoting me on that investigation, even if Roslin wasn't very happy about me allowing the black market to continue.”

“She's a fool for thinking she could shut it down completely. That's not how the world works anymore. She's fortunate. It could have been a hell of a lot worse.”

“They frakking took that woman's daughter. She was _four._ It _was_ worse,” Adama said, looking like he was going to be sick all over Shaw's food. “Regulation means that can't happen again. Outlawing it just means it gets covered up and continues to get worse.”

“You're still an idealist.”

“Frak you, Shaw.”

She laughed. “I missed you, too, Adama.”

* * *

“So I hear there is a misfit pilot who can't train for shit down here.”

Kara snorted, looking over at the door and at Lee. Gods, but he did clean up nice. She'd barely seen him since he got free of Cottle's clutches, what with him being assigned to investigate Fisk's murder and shut down a black market.

She squashed down on any thoughts of jealousy that arose when she thought of Lee's source in all of that—some pretty prostitute named Shevon.

“Look at you, Major. Don't you have somewhere else to be?”

He gave her a half-smile. “I'm told Gardner's big on micromanaging. I figured disrupting his schedule was first on my to-do list as XO.”

She snorted. “You're frakking kidding me. Mr. Rulebook himself is bucking for my spot in hack, is he? You know, I've got your petty insubordination beat.”

He nodded. “I do. I'll leave you to it, but I wanted it clear from the start—Gardner doesn't control me. I'm not going to be some cog in his machine. I'm here so that no one gets crazy ideas about breaking Cain out of the _Astral Queen,_ not to pander to his little whims.”

“Gods, Lee, listen to you,” she said, not sure if it was just admiration talking when she spoke. “I kind of like this side of you.”

“I suppose that's a good thing. It's about all that's left after the frakking Cylons and Cain got done with me,” he said, leaning against the wall. She watched him and decided _frak, no_ it wasn't even close to being admiration—not _that_ kind, anyway.

“I should probably go check in with Gardner before he sends a search party,” Lee said after a minute. She nodded, letting him go without another word. Gods, what a frakking mess this was. She still hadn't told him about her part in Zak's death, and when she did, he'd hate her.

* * *

Shaw was being kind to Gardner, Lee thought as he took his position in the CIC.

“I run a tight ship, Major.”

Lee held his tongue. He had a feeling he'd be doing a lot of that. Still, as he looked around him, he thought he saw some relief, maybe even some hope in the furtive glances they steal when they look toward him. 

“I am glad to see you, Major. Although I wish it was under better circumstances. We have just lost contact with two of our raptors out on a training mission.”

Lee frowned, looking toward the door. “Captain Thrace didn't mention that.”

“Well, perhaps if she was actually down on the flight deck and monitoring her raptors the way any training officer worth a damn would have done, she would have known that four of our pilots were missing,” Gardner said, and Lee continued to frown. Kara might not have been perfect, but she wasn't a bad CAG, and she was good at flight instruction. Zak had bragged about that, about how he had the best teacher to come through there in years and she was even better in bed.

Lee grimaced. 

“Major? You with me, Major?” Gardner asked, and Lee had no idea what he was actually being asked, but he forced a nod anyway. “They disappeared from the dradis about an hour ago. They're gone.”

“I assume you've launched SAR?”

“Yes, but they're missing as well.”

Lee swallowed. “That is—”

“I have a problem,” Gardner cut him off, and Lee set his jaw in a line, irritated. He had thoughts about that SAR, and he knew they wouldn't be liked, but he didn't feel like being cut off like a child being told to be silent while the adults talked. That was too familiar—and too dangerous, for Gardner's sake. “That problem's name is Kara Thrace.”

“She's here on a temporary assignment,” Lee objected. Kara was not that big of a problem, and Gardner shouldn't feel like she was. “When she leaves, it will all blow over.”

“She should never have been here in the first place.”

Gardner was close to insubordination himself, questioning the admiral's orders. “Sir, Captain Thrace worked as a flight instructor before the war, and she is one hell of a viper pilot.”  

“Are you suggesting that I should cut her some slack because she's good in the cockpit?” Gardner demanded. “Is that what you're saying? Because nobody ever cut us any slack in the engine room. I could tell you that right now.”

Lee gave him a dark look. Was the man a complete idiot? Did he think Lee had actually gotten slack from anyone? From Cain? The woman had him routinely tortured by a man who turned out to be a Cylon. And if anyone thought his father made this easy on him, they were dead wrong. 

“But then, I don't know,” Gardner went on, “maybe being a snipe is different than being a viper jockey. No flashy stunts for us. No flying by the seat of our pants down there. The engine room is like a finely tuned watch, and everything in it needs to be monitored and maintained in a very precise fashion. Nobody freelances. Everything is done in the proper way at the proper time in the proper order. Or there'd be no power. No lights. No hot showers for your flyboys. You know, Major, I think some of the people around here could learn a thing or two from the snipes.”

Lee let him finish his tirade, not interested in arguing any of that. It wasn't his place, and he didn't have any ground to do it on. He'd never cared what happened in the engine room as long as he had a safe place to land. He was a Viper pilot, and his mind was always elsewhere.

“And as for her being a good flight instructor, that didn't work so well for your brother, did it?”

Lee stared at him. “Excuse me, sir?”

“You heard me. Thrace is the reason your brother is dead.”

“You know nothing about what happened to my brother, sir, and if you don't want a new problem here with _my_ name on it, you will not mention him again, are we clear?”

“You don't give orders around here, Major.”

Lee smiled grimly. “Have you forgotten what I did to the last commander of _Pegasus_ who overstepped her bounds? Don't tempt me. Sir.”

“Major Adama, if you—”

“With your permission, sir, I have two missing Raptors to locate. Excuse me.”

* * *

“Attention on deck,” the marine called out as Lee entered, and Kara wanted to laugh when she saw him grimace. She settled for a smile instead as he got closer.

“At ease,” Lee said, and she wondered if he'd forgotten that. Command was new to him, after all. He didn't have half the experience she did, the stuff she didn't want. “Where's Stinger?”

She was surprised to hear Lee asking after the other man. She knew that he didn't get along with Taylor. Even after Lee's revelations in that meeting with the president, Taylor still considered him a deserter not fit to wear the uniform. Some grudges died hard. “He's in hack for mouthing off to Garner. Stepped on his precious little toes.”

“Frakking Garner,” Case said, and the other pilot laughed. “He's such an idiot.”

“Lock that up, _now,”_ Lee ordered, his voice going cold. “I don't give a frak what you or anyone else thinks of Gardner, myself included. We have two missing raptor crews who will be out of oxygen in thirty-six hours. Start doing your frakking jobs and remember that he's your commanding officer.”

“Rich words coming from someone who led a mutiny against an admiral.”

 _Oh, frak,_ Kara thought. _This will get ugly._

Lee nodded. “Yes, I led a mutiny because what Cain was doing was wrong. Because she would have killed innocent civilians and violated our oath to serve and protect the people of the twelve colonies. That was different. Gardner has his faults, but he has not violated that oath, and until he does, you serve under him and had better act like it.”

“Like you have?”

He ignored Case, focusing on Kara. “We need to start thinking outside the box. Which is what you do best, remember? Wow me, because I'm not liking where my mind is taking this.”

She grimaced. “You don't actually think—”

“Save that thought for later,” Lee advised. “I want to know everything there is to know about these missing raptors and their crews. I wanna know personal quirks, aircraft squawks, wireless transmissions, anything that might help—even the things you think don't. Get on it. RFN.”

“Yes, sir,” the others said, and some grumbled under their breaths as they left, but Lee had them, had a grudging respect if nothing else, which was something even she didn't have, she thought. She still couldn't believe she hadn't known about the Raptors.

She saw Lee start to leave and rushed after him as he went toward the door. “Nice defense you just gave. I thought you were all about showing him he didn't control you.”

“That's not the same, and if you keep pushing this insubordination, you'll play right into Cain's hands,” Lee said. “I refuse to let that happen. I told you I was here to stop that, and I am. I don't intend to lose our pilots, so I want answers. Now.”

“Gods. Give you a bit of command and it goes right to your head.”

He rolled his eyes. “Shut up, Kara.”

She smiled, content to know he was still there underneath the new command version of him. She didn't want to lose that bit of him that was just as much of a troublemaker as she was.

* * *

“Gods, what a frakking mess,” Kara muttered, shaking her head as she did. She still hadn't gotten time alone with Lee to fess up to her sins, and they were running out of time to find their pilots. She shoved the papers away again. “Nothing, nothing, and more nothing. Where is Shark's last transmission?”

Case handed her the paper with reluctance. “Well... there's not much there.”

Kara leaned over the printout. She knew Lee thought their pilots were already dead, and she wasn't sure he was wrong about that. Oh, frak. It was right in front of her. _Eve... distress... bearing.. reek... shuns... emerge—read._

“They were in distress,” Case said. “They give a bearing. 'Requesting instructions... it's an emergency... can you read?'” 

“Maybe, but what's this 'eve' fragment here?” Kara asked. She took her pen and wrote down the word received. “They received a distress call. That's what it is.”

“Okay. From who?” 

_Cylons, probably. Hell, it might even be frakking Shutter._ “I don't know, but I bet that's where they went. To go find out.”

* * *

“Commander,” Lee began as he returned to the CIC, Kara at his side. “Captain Thrace has a theory about our missing raptors, sir.”

“That's good considering she lost them,” Gardner said snidely, and Lee frowned. He knew Kara was abrasive, and he already knew they didn't get along, but that was unnecessary. 

“Excuse me?” Kara asked, her tone dangerous. 

“Well, they were out on one of your so-called training missions,” Gardner said, still trying to provoke her. “Weren't they, Captain?” 

Lee saw Kara ball a fist and moved in front of her, blocking her from Gardner's sight. “We don't need to get caught up in a blame game now. Those pilots don't have much time left, and we need to formulate a plan for what we're going to do—”

“Are you trying to tell me how to do my job, Major?” Gardner demanded. “I know what is happening on my own ship. This woman drinks and sows mutiny, and you're not only defending her, you're going beyond that to usurp my authority.”

Lee blinked. “I haven't made any move toward your authority.”

“You're a frakking idiot,” Kara said, her temper getting the better of her mouth. “He actually defended you, and this is what you do? My gods, you are paranoid. And barely competent.”

“Captain Thrace,” Lee cut in with a warning edge to his voice. “Enough.”

“Like hell it is. I want her court-martialed.”

Lee shook his head. Insubordination was one thing, and Kara should have kept her mouth shut, but it wasn't like Gardner wasn't baiting the hell out of her. Then again, he didn't know that the charges would have been accurate. If he was going to accuse Kara of mutiny and hold a trial here, it would be a farce. “I think we need to calm down and refocus on what is important here—the missing pilots.”

Gardner's expression was still borderline murderous. “Captain Thrace, you're restricted to quarters. Until I can ship you back to _Galactica._ You're Adama's pet. Let him deal with you.”

On the one hand, that was a relief. She'd be fine until she got off the ship, and she'd avoid a trial, but if there was any hope of recovering their pilots, Lee wanted her there. He knew Gardner would never agree to it.

“Be careful, Major. You can very easily join her.”

Lee set his jaw, watching Gardner with annoyance. “Would you like to hear what we believe happened to the Raptor or not, sir?”

“Is this Captain Thrace's theory?”

“She did—”

“Then no,” Gardner snapped, and Lee grimaced. He might not know much about command, and he understood why Tigh could not have been given _Pegasus,_ but Gardner was a poor choice. His father should have gone with Shaw, even if she was inexperienced. Or Taylor, much as that man had made Lee's life hell.

“Sir,” a petty officer that Lee didn't know the name of said, coming over to him and creating a mess for himself, even he didn't realize it. “One of our search raptors just picked up a possible distress signal from near where _Pegasus_ lost communications with Buster's ship.”

“Finally.”

“Possible distress signal?” Lee shook his head. “Sir, Buster himself might have jumped away to run down a phony distress call. It could be a trap.”

“You have any proof of that, or is it just a theory?” Gardner asked. “Is this your theory, Major? This is Captain Thrace's theory, is it not? Mr. Thornton, can you give us a fix on where this distress signal is coming from?” 

“Yes, sir, it's long range,” Thorton reported, startled and uncomfortable to be on the spot.

“Then spin up the FTL drive, and prepare to jump the ship.”

“Yes, sir.”

“This isn't just Captain Thrace's theory,” Lee bit out, trying to keep himself from saying just how much of an idiot he thought Gardner was being. _“I_ think this is a Cylon trap and—”

“And I disagree. Now get Admiral Adama on the line. I'm going to get our men,” Gardner ordered, and Lee felt relieved. His father wasn't likely to make the same rash move as Gardner. He would at least hear them out.

The communications officer reported that he had the admiral on the line, and Gardner picked up the phone, smiling with too much satisfaction, looking smug after what he'd done to Kara. “Admiral, we finally got the break we've been looking for bearing on the distress signal. I can jump there inside of two minutes.”

“Commander, believe me, I understand how you feel,” Adama said, and Lee knew that tone. He never thought he'd _welcome_ it. “But the Cylons have been known to lure ships into traps using fake distressed calls. Have you considered that?” 

“We have, sir. It's a scenario we don't think likely.”

Lee glared at him. Frakking liar. He just got done saying that he believed it.

“We?” His father might actually know Lee better than he thought. “Major Adama, do you concur?” 

Lee shook his head as he spoke into the comm. “Sir, Captain Thrace and I are of the opinion that the first two raptors may very well have been lured away by just such a trick.”

“An opinion I do not share, sir,” Gardner said as soon as Lee finished speaking.

“We'll send a recon mission in full force,” his father said, and Lee tried not to show his reaction to the order. Risking _Pegasus_ would have been a disaster. This was more reasonable, a manageable risk. “Five raptors. Three escort, two rescue. You have your orders, Commander.”

 “Yes, sir. Thank you, sir,” Gardner said, ending the call. He turned to Lee. “Major?”

“Sir?”

“You're dismissed.”

“Sir, someone has to assign pilots to the Raptors and prepare the mission. With Captain Thrace confined to quarters—”

“This is not your mission. You are dismissed.”

“With respect, sir, it _is_ my mission. I'm the acting XO. This falls under my purview and—”

“Consider yourself relieved. If you wish, you can be escorted out of this room and confined to your quarters as well.”

Lee bit back what he might have said and left the room, knowing there was no way in hell he was letting anyone on the _Pegasus_ escort him anywhere ever again.

* * *

Lee walked through the halls in a bit of a daze. Not for the usual reason—by some strange mercy, he hadn't had a flashback since he got on _Pegasus,_ and while he didn't understand it, he wasn't going to question it, either. The last thing he needed was panic overwhelming him or just humiliating him again. He knew this was far from the safest place for him to be, and he already felt like things were way out of his control.

He had to stop Gardner somehow, make the man see that he was alienating his own crew and it would cause a mutiny. Not from Kara. She didn't respect Gardner at all, but that didn't mean she would mutiny. She still obeyed Tigh, most of the time, and she hated him. She'd gone against Cain because it meant lives. That was not the same.

Gardner was paving the path for Cain to get command back, and Lee would not allow that to happen. He couldn't.

_“Apollo,” Shutter said with a smile, and Lee looked around to find the bunkroom had emptied in the two seconds he'd looked away from it, leaving him alone with the other man. “The admiral sent me with a message for you.”_

_“She wouldn't,” Lee said. He'd made it clear that Shutter was someone he wouldn't work with, and Cain hadn't liked it, but she'd accepted it._

_Shutter slammed him into the locker. “You're supposed to be smarter than that. Cain likes submission. She wants fear. You aren't afraid, and that is a problem.”_

_“No,” Lee agreed. “I'm not scared of you. It doesn't matter what you did to me before. You pushed me way past fear. All I have left is anger.”_

_“Yes, but anger won't save you,” Shutter told him. “Cain says you have to be punished. And we both know I know all too well how to do that, don't we?”_

_Lee tried to shove his hands away, but Shutter managed to push up his tanks anyway. He smiled, pleased. “There it is. My masterpiece. The reminder. Still perfect. Etched into your skin in great detail. It's exactly what she needs.”_

Someone bumped into Lee, and he looked around in confusion, breathing hard as the memory slipped away. Pilots were running through the halls, headed for the flight deck.

He heard Thorton on the speaker. “All flight deck personnel, please report to stations.”

What the frak? How long had Lee been out? Gods, if it was more than a couple minutes—it should have been seconds. Just seconds to replay one moment, just a snippet of conversation, not the whole aftermath that led to Lee knowing that dealing with Thorne was merciful.

He called out to the first person he could saw. “Captain Case, what's going on?”

“We've been ordered to scramble, condition one. Ship's getting ready to jump. We're gonna launch on the other side.”

Frak. Gardner was disobeying his father's order. Lee knew what he had to do, but he had to deal with something else first. He ran toward the bunkroom to find Kara already leaving it.

“The frak is going on?”

“Gardner's countermanded my father's order,” Lee explained, leaving out the details because he didn't have them. “I'm going to the CIC. You're going to be needed in the air. Gods, I was just trying to figure out how to get a report to my father—”

“Lee, we have to talk.”

He stopped. “We don't have time for that right now. I have to go deal with Gardner, give him another chance to stop this before it's too late, and if I can't—”

“Oh, frak that. You have an excuse to pull Gardner so _do it,”_ Kara said. “He's not meant for this, and everyone on _Pegasus_ frakking knows it.”

Lee sighed, rubbing at his forehead. “I don't know that I—”

“You went to the bat for me, and I owe you the truth,” she said. She swallowed. “Your father already knows, but I never told you... After we got you back, I kept telling myself it didn't matter, but the truth is... I was frakking scared you'd hate me for it because... if you knew what I did, you'd blame me. It _is_ all my fault.”

He frowned. “You're just confusing me, and I need to—”

“Zak failed basic flight.”

Lee's world spun around him, and he wasn't sure if he was light-headed or dreaming. “What?”

“Or he should have, but I passed him. His technique was sloppy, and he had no feel for flying, but I passed him. Because... because I felt something and I let it get in the way of doing my job.”

“Why are you telling me this? Why now?”

“Because Gardner's going to get us all killed,” Kara said, then swore. “No, frak that. I was making stupid promises about it never happening again when I'm the reason you suffered all of that. My fault.”

Lee swallowed, briefly thinking of the idea he refused to pursue, that Shutter—the Cylon—had tormented him because he wanted to keep him from interfering in her destiny. “Get to your ship, Captain.”

“Lee—”

“I have to go arrange another mutiny.”

* * *

“Commander, why are we preparing to jump?” Lee demanded as he entered the CIC. “Admiral Adama gave you an order.”

“This is a rescue mission, Major,” Gardner said, as if daring him to say it was wrong. “I'm bringing my pilots home.”

“You can't do this. We have a plan in place. We have orders from the admiral, and if this is a Cylon trap, then we're entering it blind with the _Pegasus._ We're handing them an entire frakking battlestar, and that is _unacceptable._ We should send a force recon—”

“My pilots are dying down there, Major,” Gardner said, and Lee knew the man believed it. The fervor was right. “I'm going in. I'm not waiting on recon.”

“Commander, this is in direct violation of the Admiral's orders,” Lee said, offering him one last chance. “Don't do it.”

“And you're one to talk about obeying orders? You're a deserter and a mutineer and a disgrace to that uniform. Leave combat.”

“I am getting really frakking sick of explaining this— _I did not desert,”_ Lee ground out. “The only disgrace to the uniform here is you.”

“You are relieved, Major,” Gardner said. “Sergeant of the guard—”

“Since you have violated your oath and orders, _you_ are the one that needs to be relieved. I have no choice but to take command of this vessel.”

“This man is in direct disobedience of an order,” Gardner shouted, and Lee thought he was becoming more and more unhinged by the minute. If the man would just _listen,_ if he followed the damned order, this could all be avoided. “Under federal regulations, I want him under arrest. Sergeant, Take him below.”

Lee shook his head, giving the marine a warning look. “Do not frakking touch me. You don't want that fight on your hands. The commander's been properly relieved. Escort him to his quarters.”

Gardner grabbed the marine's gun. “I'll do it myself. You're under arrest. Sergeant, this man is not a member of this crew, and you will obey a direct order that you have been given by me, and you will do it now.”

The sergeant reached for Lee's arm. “Come with me, Major.”

Lee looked at the gun and at Gardner and shook his head. “No. Do it, Commander. Pull the trigger. Explain this one to my father, and you better pray that both of us are wrong about the gods, because there's not a story you could tell that he'll accept, and he won't show you mercy.”

Gardner started to lower the gun, and Lee took in a breath, letting it out as he considered his next move. He was about to reinstate the order for a force recon when something hit his head. He fell forward onto the con and everything was bright white for a second before going black.

* * *

“Major.”

Lee jerked, putting a hand to his head and trying to think. The star charts had changed, though he didn't know that he trusted what he was seeing. He swallowed, choking down on his last meal, trying to keep it in his stomach. “What hit me?”

“I did, sir,” a marine said. “It... It seemed the only way.”

Lee dragged himself up to his feet, taking in the room around him. Was that battle damage? “Sitrep?”

“We jumped after the Raptors,” a bridge officer said, and Lee gave up trying to remember his name after the pain the first two seconds caused. “The pilots were dead. Three basestars jumped into weapons range. Two nuclear detonations hit the stern. We lost FTL. Gardner's trying to talk them into getting it back online, but so far no joy.”

Lee braced himself on the con. “Fighters?”

“In the air, but they're not—”

“Get Captain Shaw out of the galley and up here, RFN,” Lee whispered, not sure how long he would be able to stay on his feet. He pushed himself toward the commander, getting close enough to hear a conversation he had no hope of understanding.

“Then the spinner's fine? It's gotta be a sensor. Just pull it. No, no, listen to me. Listen to me. Just pull it, pull it!”

The ship rocked, and things sparked around them. Lee lurched, almost falling over. He gagged, closing his eyes and trying to will the nausea away. 

“Nuclear detonation. We have structural damage along the topside heat exchanger. We can't take much more of this.”

Lee looked at Gardner. “How long before those drives are back up?”

“I don't know,” Gardner said, frustrated. “They don't seem to understand. I need to go down there. You have the con.”

“I have the con,” Lee whispered, a little horrified by the thought. This was never where he trained to be, outside of a few exercises in War College, and he was uncomfortable as hell here. Still, maybe his father wasn't completely wrong. Maybe after all the torture, he was ready for anything, but even if that _were_ true, he had a concussion. It was insane to think he could work through it. “Make for the nearest baseship. And roll us over to keep our top side out of their line of fire. Contact Starbuck. Tell her I've assumed command and to concentrate on protecting our top side. “

“Aye, sir.”

* * *

Kara took the order from _Pegasus_ with relief. So far, the air battle had been unfocused and more of a clusterfrak than anything, since they didn't have a direction besides what she gave it, and half the pilots weren't listening to her. With Taylor still in hack, they didn't have a CAG to issue orders from the CIC, and she thought maybe the word of Apollo _might_ have worked if he'd said anything, but she got the feeling something had gone really frakking wrong in there.

She was glad to know Lee was still alive and kicking and apparently in charge. “Wilco, _Pegasus._ We got your back.”

She wished she could talk to Lee directly, that she could say something to fix what she'd frakked up earlier. Gods, she had lousy timing. Yeah, sure, it still looked like Gardner might have gotten them all killed, but was it really better that Lee know she was the one who screwed up and killed Zak and cost him everything?

No. He could have died not knowing.

Only she wasn't willing to do that. Lee deserved to know, and she couldn't keep pretending she was his friend when she'd done that to his brother. It had to end. She'd done the right thing.

And now she was going to kill some Cylons and make sure they lived through this to—gods—talk about it when it was over.

* * *

“Base ship dead ahead, sir, we're closing rapidly,” Hoshi reported as Kendra walked into the CIC, and she frowned. He continued on, distressed. “We can't keep taking hits like this, Major.”

“Helm, steady as you go,” Adama said, and she looked over to see him hanging over the con like he was about to collapse. This was insane. She'd thought she'd seen it when Cain murdered her XO. She'd thought she saw it on the Scylla or when Adama led the mutiny against Cain, but no, this was just flat out crazy. Why was anyone taking orders from him in his state?

“The frak are you doing, Adama?”

“Shaw,” he said, looking like he was about to heave all over the table in front of him. “Good. Need someone I can trust to make sure I don't do anything too stupid.”

She snorted. “It's you. What do you do that isn't stupid?”

He laughed. “No frakking idea. Frak—Have the bow battery stand by for a salvo fire. Target their center axis.”

 “Yes, sir,” Hoshi said, but he hesitated, looking to Kendra for confirmation.

She nodded. “Do it, Lieutenant. See if we can't cut down the odds a little.” 

“We need those FTLs fixed soon. Or we're dead,” Adama said, putting a hand to his head. “Gods, next time just _shoot_ me. Right. Where were we?” 

“Twenty-two hundred,” Thorton said. “Main battery has a firing solution.”

“Fire,” Adama said, and Kendra backed the order as he did, knowing that they couldn't afford the delay. This was their only choice, and somehow despite how frakked up he was, Adama had made the right call.

She saw the damage to the baseship and smiled. Good. That was a start.

“Let me look at that,” she said, going to his side. “What the frak did you do?”

“Tried to talk Gardner down. It didn't go as well as with Cain.”

“Last time you had back up,” Shaw reminded him. “Don't do anything that stupid again. You're a mess, bleeding all over the floor, and the ship deserves better than that.”

He smiled thinly, and she rolled her eyes. She still didn't understand why she sided with him, why he got underneath her skin and made her want to help, to be human and not the razor she'd been thanks to Cain.

“Baseship's turning away. He's—he's frakkin' running, Major.”

“But the other two aren't,” Kendra said. “They're coming hard. We need to jump.”

“FTL's still dead,” Adama reminded her. “We need to buy more time, but I'm a little short on ideas and long on pain. Oh, frak the pain. It's the nausea that's going to mess things up. Literally.”

“Gods,” she muttered. “You're slipping already.”

He grunted, swallowing and closing his eyes. “Out of practice. Shutter and Thorne haven't done anything to me in months. I'm losing my tolerance for pain.”

She rolled her eyes. “Poor timing, soldier. Now hold it together. This ship is not going down because of a micromanaging control freak or your skull not being thick enough. Are we clear?”

“Yes.”

“Starbuck reports vipers are skosh ammo, Major,” Hoshi said. “We're down to throwing rocks at the bastards. We gotta haul ass outta here now, sir,”

Kendra fixed him with a dark look. “What do you expect the major to do? Conjure an FTL drive out of his ass? His call sign might have been Apollo, but even he's not capable of that.”

“Shaw, did you just say what I think you just said or am I really that far gone?” Adama held up a hand. “No, I don't want to know. Tell Starbuck to... oh, gods, what was that exercise at the Academy? There was one. It was about defensive maneuvering. She made fun of the name. I can't _think.”_

Kendra turned to Hoshi. “Tell Thrace to keep the Cylons distracted for as long as they can. Fancy flying, like she did at the Academy with Apollo. She should get the message.”

“Sir, do I have to relay what Starbuck just said to that?”

“No,” Shaw said, though a part of her was curious and amused all at once. She watched the screens, seeing Thrace weave through the Cylons, making them chase their own tails and even succumb to some friendly fire.

“Engineering's reporting a green board. FTL drive online and ready.”

“Commence jump prep,” Adama ordered, and then he turned over and lost his stomach. Kendra grimaced, forcing herself to ignore the smell as she finished the orders.

“Bring all squadrons in,” Kendra ordered. “Everyone back to the ship.”

This was it. Only a few more seconds, but the worst, Kendra thought. She knew it almost seemed easier to leave the fighters behind and jump with the ship this badly damaged. All she wanted to do was jump, but she had to stay to get their people back.

“Air wing's back on board. Landing bays secure.”

“Jump.”

* * *

“Gods, Lee, you are a mess,” Kara said, her flight suit sticking to her like it was made of glue, and she had wanted nothing more than to shower and get clean. Now, though, standing in the CIC as ordered, she could only see one man and the blood he'd gotten everywhere.

“He's your problem,” Shaw said, and Kara glared at her. The other woman shrugged. “I don't do clean up. Your friend, your mess. You have an issue with that, try taking it up with the admiral since he's given me temporary command while that one sobers up.”

“Not frakking drunk,” Lee muttered, but he wobbled and fell on Kara with a groan. “Frak.”

“You should see a doctor.”

“No,” Lee said, desperation in his voice as he tried to stand himself up on his own. “Not here. Not this ship. No.”

She grimaced, and Shaw nodded, confirming what he hadn't really said. The doctors here had frakked him over, too. She grunted. “Fine. Come with me. We need to get you cleaned up, at least.”

“He is the acting XO. He has private quarters, though as Gardner is... gone, he cannot object to those being used, either,” Shaw said in a low voice. She raised it to add, “Admiral Adama will be here to discuss the mission in an hour.”

Kara nodded, getting the message. She had to clean Lee up before the admiral came, and what the frak? It gave her a chance to get him alone and try and see how bad the fallout from her admission was going to be.

She decided on Gardner's quarters. She'd never had much respect for the dead, and she had less for Gardner, even if he had saved the ship, so it seemed fitting. The marines usually at the door were missing, lost without a reason to guard and an XO to give them orders. That worked for her just fine.

She dragged Lee over to the couch, sitting him down. “First things first. We have to get all that blood off you. Your father will have a heart attack if he sees you like this. What the hell happened to you? And don't tell me to ask Shaw. I got the feeling she didn't know.”

“A marine got noble.”

“What?” Kara asked, getting a towel and wetting it in the sink of the commander's private head. “How does that have anything to do with—”

“He hit me so Gardner wouldn't shoot me when I told him to because he was disobeying an order and trying to get me arrested,” Lee said, leaning back against the chair. “I had it. I had Gardner where I wanted him, could have stopped the jump, but that kid misread it and hit me to 'save' me and it all got frakked up. Now Gardner is dead.”

“That's not your fault. That's on him.” She winced, carrying the cloth to him and starting on his face. “Speaking of faults...”

“Kara, I don't... I honestly don't know how I feel about what you told me,” Lee said. “No time to think about that with Gardner and the concussion and—”

“Don't puke on me,” she warned him, easing his head back. “You need stitches.”

“Not here,” he insisted, and she nodded, accepting that. She moved the cloth down his face and along his neck, getting every bit of blood off his skin until she hit his uniform collar.

“Okay, this has to come off,” she said. “We'll get you a change of clothes later.”

“You trying to get me naked, Thrace? Because I know fixing things with sex is your MO, but not me. I don't work that way.”

She wasn't sure if she should laugh at that. On the one hand, making it a joke was good, safe, even, but there was something incredibly off in what he'd said. “No, I'm not. You've got puke and blood all over this, so I don't know why you'd _want_ to keep it on.”

He nodded, trying to undo the buttons himself, but he was too slow for her liking, so she shoved his hands away and did it herself.

“Frak. Your tanks got a lot of blood, too. Just how much did you lose? Head wounds bleed, but this is frakking ridiculous,” she grumbled, yanking the tanks up and over his head only to drop them back on him when she saw his chest. “Frak, Lee. What is that?”

“What?” Lee looked down. “Oh. That.”

“Yeah, that.”

He closed his eyes. “I don't want to talk about it.”

She reached out and touched a hand to the scar, horrified by the design she was tracing with her fingertip. “I know this pattern. I know this mandala. I've always seen it. I drew it when I was a kid. I even painted it on my wall when Zak died. Don't you remember it?”

“You didn't talk to me after Zak died,” Lee reminded her. “Or I didn't talk to you or... I think we both knew that if we didn't keep our distance, we'd end up doing something we regretted, and somehow despite how frakked up we both were at the time, we kept the distance.”

“Maybe you were that noble,” she said. “I'm not sure I was. I should have died, not him. I never should have passed him. I knew better. I just thought—I thought he'd get it in time. He'd never be you or me, but he'd make it eventually because he was trying so hard and wanted it so much. It wasn't enough. I don't know if I would have made it through if your father hadn't gotten me transferred and if Helo wasn't on _Galactica.”_

Lee shook his head. “Obviously, I wasn't coping that well. Gods, getting drunk at Zak's grave was the worst mistake I ever made.”

“Because of _them._ Because Cylons pretending to be fleet came after you and hurt you,” she said, reaching up to put her hands on his face and get him to look at her. “Did Shutter do this to you?”

“Kara—”

“He's the one who said I had a frakking destiny,” she said, shaking her head in desperation, needing the scars not to be there, for what she knew to be true a lie. Shutter had marked Lee, and Shutter was Leoben masquerading as another man, not the philosopher gun dealer, but a Viper pilot, bully, and sadist. “And he did this to you.”

“Even called it his masterpiece once.”

“Frak.”

Kara swallowed, feeling sick. “This is my fault, too.”

“You don't know that,” Lee whispered. He didn't sound all that convincing. “I don't—we don't know what Shutter was doing besides making my life hell. Who says there was any reason for it besides liking a frakking pattern and being a Cylon so it didn't matter that he was carving it into a human being.”

She shook her head. “Or maybe it's this destiny. I'm just here to wreck your lives, yours and your father's. I got Zak killed. You abducted, tortured, marked—”

“Stop it,” Lee said, shaking his head. “I never heard anything in that year to make me think this was all about you and your destiny, so get over yourself. Yes, you passed Zak, but you don't know that Dad wouldn't have pulled strings if he hadn't or someone else might have—Dad has—had a reputation in the fleet, and his 'man isn't a man until he wears the wings of a Viper pilot' wasn't a mantra he created. It was hardwired into him by the fleet, and Zak believed it. I don't know if I ever did, but then I had the wings and didn't feel that different. But Zak...”

“Was not meant to fly. He thought he wanted it—”

“But _did_ he?” Lee asked, shaking his head. “I thought I did, but that year gave me a lot of time to think, and I'm not sure joining was about me, even if I rationalized it that way. I love flying, but that hasn't been much of an option, so why hedge every bet on it?”

“Doesn't sound like you. At least... not the you from before your abduction.”

“No, it doesn't,” Lee agreed. He sighed. “Will you go get me a clean set of tanks? I... I kind of hate having this exposed.”

“I don't blame you.”

He didn't echo that sentiment, but she didn't expect him to.

* * *

“So, I don't remember a lot of yesterday,” Adama said, looking at Shaw from the couch in Cain's quarters. “Everything from the point when I got smacked in the head is kind of a blur, with a few notable highlights. Apparently, I took command.”

“Yes,” Kendra agreed, and he nodded. She watched him process that, trying to determine where this conversation was going.

“And somehow we survived, I gave a report to my father...”

“I was not there for that. I can't tell you what you said.”

He nodded. “I know. And I'm leaving a lot out because there's this thing that I—no, not telling you that. I'm not—we're not friends so we don't discuss that—what's wrong? Did you just get upset about me saying we're not friends?”

She snorted. “You know better than that.”

“I thought I did,” he said, smiling slightly. Then the smile died. “I think I am a little unclear on this next part—I'm not sure there is a way to be clear here since my mind can't grasp it even without the concussion.”

He reached up to touch his collar. She stiffened. He was going to be asking her about that next, wasn't he? “Your father gave me a short explanation for his choices. I don't know what to think of them except... He is insane. This is crazy.”

_“I'm promoting you, Captain,” the admiral said. Strange how to her he was the admiral when that should have been Cain and not Adama because that was his son. “Congratulations, Major.”_

_“Sir?”_

_“I know you were demoted, twice, but those decisions show considerable bias, and frankly, I can't think of a better fit for the new XO, given the choice I've made for her commander.”_

_“I don't understand.”_

_“It was your idea,” the admiral told her. “You said Lee was needed to contain the mutiny brewing in the crew, and he still is. Fisk and Gardner were my choice. I based them on the chain of command and blindly put faith in it when I knew already it didn't work on_ Pegasus. _Lee lacks true experience, as do you, but he made himself the figurehead of a mutiny once and seems to have led the ship through a crisis while concussed, which is making a myth out of the man, but that is a myth we both feel can be used, don't we?”_

_She found it strange to hear the admiral say that. “He is your son.”_

_“Yes, he is,” the admiral agreed. “It is the myth that will make some overlook what must seem like obvious nepotism. I'm trying to keep this fleet safe and this crew intact, and I can't do that with just anyone. Look at Fisk. At Gardner. Lee I know I can trust to do the right thing, even if that right thing isn't the thing I want him to do. I want you because I know you were half the reason_ Pegasus _survived Gardner's stupidity, and you work well with him, as that same situation proves. I should let him pick his own crew, but I think he would have chosen you anyway.”_

_“Sir, Captain Thrace—”_

_“Would be Lee's first choice for CAG, not XO,” the admiral said. “Some would argue that you should have this command over him, but not all of them.”_

_“The_ Scylla,” _she whispered, knowing that would forever haunt her. “Sir, if that keeps me from command—”_

_“Lee trusts you, and he needs you. End of discussion.”_

Adama grimaced. “I feel like I went into my father's closet and stole his clothes. This is not me, and I don't know what to do anymore. Dad gave me this speech about how I exceeded expectations and managed a crisis under extreme circumstances, and anyone who could do that was more than fit but he also said stuff about what I did in overthrowing Cain and how the martyr I set myself up to be had to be turned to something in his favor and I think I willfully tuned him out then, not just let the concussion and a lot of other things on my mind distract me.”

“You should blame me.”

“Funny, everyone wants that. Kara for what she did before the worlds ended that caused things she still doesn't know about, and you for telling my father the truth—that using what I did in the mutiny could stop another,” Adama said, shaking his head. “Maybe my father is a frakking idiot to give me my own ship, but there is a part of me that can't help thinking I can't do worse than Fisk or Gardner, but then they set the bar rather low.”

Kendra snorted. “That they did.”

“Can you handle working with Kara?” Adama asked. “Frak, what did I just say? I don't know that I can, but I'm about ready to make her CAG anyway. I must be as insane as my father is.”

“It could be hereditary,” Kendra said. She tried and failed not to laugh, and he joined her.

“So you're with me, then?” Adama asked, looking too earnest, too like a puppy or something. “Two frakkups stuck with each other for life, eh, Shaw?”

She snorted. “I don't think so, Adama. I'm going to mutiny and take the ship for myself.”

He laughed, lifting his drink to toast to her. This was frakked up, and they both knew it. Still, she might be crazy as well, because she thought it just might work.


End file.
